President of Lower California

President of the Lower California: The life of William Walker

            In his early years, William Walker led an unfocused life.  Graduating summa cum laude from the University of Nashville at fourteen, he traveled to Europe to study medicine.  This didn't last long as he quickly returned to the United States to study law.  Getting bored, he became a journalist and fought three duels over the course of four years.  Finally, at the age of 29, he realized that there was really only one thing that he truly wanted: to become a Central American dictator.

William Walker

            Gathering 45 like-minded individuals, he set out to conquer Baja California.  Fortunately for him, Baja was only lightly defended and fell almost without a fight.  Walker was now the 1^st President of the Republic of Lower California.  All was going well, except for one minor detail: Mexico had an army and they didn't like having him there.  The Republic of Lower California lasted a grand total of three months before Walker and his band were forced to flee back into California.  While his expedition was technically illegal, people back in the US loved reading about it so much that the jury acquitted him in eight minutes.

            In the competition for histories' most idiotic Central American leader, it is a close call between Santa Anna and Francisco Castellon.  Santa Anna thought that it would be a good idea to invite Americans to settle in Texas to form a buffer against their home country.  While the stupidity of this is truly impressive, I personally think that Castellon deserves the prize.  When a civil war broke out in Nicaragua, Castellon hired Walker to fight for him, knowing about Walker's unfortunate desire to conquer Central American countries.  Naturally, Walker seized control of the government.

Walker's Troops Resting

            Before the Panama Canal was built, a vast amount of goods passed overland through Nicaragua, a route that was solely owned by Cornelius Vanderbilt's Accessory Transit Company.  Several other businessmen bribed Walker to seize all of the company's property and give it to them.  While in the short term this provided Walker with much needed funds, in the long term it angered America by violating their don't-f@%&k-with-our-property policy.

            This meant that when Walker tried to invade several of his neighbors he was on his own.  After a string of defeats by the combined armies of Central America, Walker surrendered to the US Navy.  He was promptly taken home to again be greeted with a hero's welcome.  With his usual plethora of confidence, Walker began preparing for an invasion of Honduras.  Unfortunately for him, he was captured by the British Navy which was less than impressed by his actions.  They promptly turned him over to the Honduran government which were even less impressed.  He was executed by firing squad on September 12, 1860.

The Death of William Walker

            It is certainly true that Walker was not a very nice man.  He consistently supported slavery in the nations he conquered and, well, spent half his life attacking sovereign countries.  Despite this, one must still give at least a grudging respect to his boundless optimism and willingness to keep on trying to conquer Central America.