Sweet Sixteen

Sweet Sixteen: The Conquests of Charles XII

            When one thinks of Sweden the last thing that comes to mind is a country of great conquerors.  How could a tiny nation that sat out both world wars have conquered anything of note?  However, a few hundred years back they were one of the big kids on the block.  Most people with more than a passing knowledge of military history will have heard of the great Swedish leader Gustavus Adolphus and his exploits during the 30 Years War.   At the moment he needn't concern us except that, thanks to a string of warlike rulers, Sweden had built up an empire that spanned most of the Baltic.

Swedish Empire

            By the late 1600s though, it seemed like their best days were behind them.  Their ruler, Charles XI, was so shy that he needed his mother to speak to parliament on his behalf.  Needless to say, the rest of the Baltic was licking its lips by the time Charles XI died of cancer in 1697.  The best part was that he was succeeded by a fifteen year old boy: Charles XII.  Russia, Denmark-Norway, Saxony, and Poland all signed on to a kill-the-Swedes alliance and set out to attack every Swedish holding within reach.  How dangerous could some kid really be?

Charles XII of Sweden

            Very dangerous, as it turned out.  With an army of 77,000 men Charles was faced with the admittedly difficult task of defending holdings scattered across the Baltic against a coalition with more than 360,000 troops.  Denmark struck first by attacking various Swedish holdings in what is now Germany.  Charles responded by landing an army outside their capitol and forcing them out of the war.  With his western flank secured, Charles rushed his army east to deal with Russia.  Peter the Great had sent an army of 40,000 troops to besiege the Swedish city of Narva.  Charles quickly arrived with a relief force of about 8,000 troops.  The Russians never stood a chance.  Attacking under the cover of a blizzard, Charles routed the Russian army, sustaining only 667 casualties.  Peter was un-phased and reverted to the age-old Russian infantry tactic: if at first you don't succeed, send in the second wave!  He eventually took the city four years later while Charles was busy elsewhere.

Russians surrender at Narva

            Having crushed two major powers in a single year, Charles decided to one-up himself and marched against Poland-Lithuania and Saxony.  I'll spare you the accounts of each battle, but needless to say he crushed every army he faced and eventually stood as the unopposed master of Northeastern Europe. 

            It was here that Charles chose to follow the path of most great conquers: invade Russia while wearing short-shorts.  His army froze to death, his Ukrainian allies proved to be incompetents, and Peter had an endless supply of cannon fodder to throw at him.  Despite all of this, Charles still almost won but was eventually routed at the Battle of Poltava.  Even here, the defeat is not technically his as he had recently been injured and had given command over to his subordinates.  After this battle Charles was forced to flee to the Ottoman Empire.

Battle of Poltava

            The Ottomans had always been enemies of the Russians, but they were hesitant to enter into a war on Sweden's behalf.  Eventually growing tired of Charles's warmongering they arrested him and locked him up.  Eventually managing to make his way back to Sweden, Charles found that his empire had crumbled in his absence.  With boundless enthusiasm, he rallied a new army and marched into Norway in 1718.  It was fighting here that he took a bullet to the head and died at the age of 36, ending the tale of Charles XII.

Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

I apologies for the delay in posting.  I am much busier than I expected this summer.  AS such, I would like to reduce the frequency of my posts to once per week.  Apologies if this throws anyone into a deep and inescapable depression.  Thanks,

-Bert

The Mad Mullah

The Mad Mullah: Mohammed Hassan and the origins of al Qaeda

            Nowadays, crazy jihadists are a dime a dozen and back in the early 1900s things were pretty much the same.  "The Mahdi" caused a whole heap of trouble in the Sudan, and every few years some insurrection would spring up in northern Pakistan.  Most of these were put down with relative ease, primarily due to the fact that their leaders tended to be complete idiots (charging at entrenched machine guns while wielding swords generally doesn't work).  Unfortunately for the British, however, every now and then a reasonably competent jihadist would emerge and make their lives incredibly difficult.  Chief among them was Mohammed Hassan, or as he is more colloquially known: the Mad Mullah.

Charging machine guns with swords doesn't work!

            Like most aspiring jihadists Hassan studied fundamentalist Wahhabi Islam in Saudi Arabia.  According to legend, he got his nickname by pissing off a British customs officer while returning home to Somalia.  The local bystanders told the Brit to ignore him saying that he was just a crazy mullah (Muslim spiritual leader).  Regardless, "Mad Mullah" sounded cool so the British press adopted it regardless of its political incorrectness.  Being a charismatic leader clamoring for independence he quickly gained a following.  He soon discovered that many of Britain's enemies weren't opposed to an independent Somalia.  These same enemies also weren't opposed to parting with some of their modern weaponry.  Toting brand new rifles from the Ottoman Empire, Hassan started attacking the British every chance he got.  He also wrote a ton of poetry.  His modern day apologists generally focus on this point to show that he was more than just a power hungry warlord who ravaged the Somali countryside.

Statue of Mohamed Hassan before it was torn down by looters.

            After a few years of Hassan's plundering and poetry, the British decided that enough was enough.  While at the time Hassan was not terribly good at winning battles, he was very good at running away.  Eventually the British could no longer resist their urge for tea and crumpets and gave up on chasing him.  Around this time, Hassan began forming the Dervish State.  It was a brutal and hierarchical state with him in charge.  He also wrote a lot more poetry.

The Mad Mullah on the march.

            Over time the Mad Mullah got slightly better at winning battles.  In 1913 he attacked a force of British-allied Somalis, killing their officer Richard Cornfield.  He then wrote a poem about it.  The British were all set to come down hard on him, but then the news arrived that the Archduke Ferdinand had been shot and there were some pesky Germans to fight.  The British quickly packed off to France, leaving Hassan to do as he pleased.

Hassan's Dervishes attacking.

            This, however, was when Hassan made a fatal mistake: he tried to beat the British at their own game.  Previously, he had always been ready to retreat off into the bush at the first sign of trouble.  Now, secure in the knowledge that the British were busy elsewhere, he began digging in.  He built forts all over the Somali hinterland as well as palaces for himself.  The concept that he didn't seem to grasp was that as soon as WWI ended the British would be back to get him.  This time with bombers.

Don't mess with the British.

            When Task Force Z's planes were first spotted over the Dervish capitol people thought they were chariots from God sent to escort Hassan to heaven.  Naturally they were somewhat disappointed when they started dropping bombs instead.  Unfortunately for the British, they didn't have any SEALS to send in and confirm the kill so they had to rely on the accuracy of unguided 1920s ordinance.  They still got close, singing the Mullah's clothing, but weren't quite able to finish him off.  The bombers did, however, provide highly effective support for the ground troops that crushed the Dervish State in a matter of weeks.  Thoroughly miffed, the aging Mullah hid in a cave and plotted his return to power.  Luckily for the British, he died of the flu later that year.

Dervish fort being bombed.

            Like all Somali warlords the Mad Mullah was no stranger to butchering civilians and ruthlessly crushing opposition.  However, the Somalis still loved him enough to put a statue of him in their capitol (looters then tore it down and sold it for scrap, but that's Somalia for you).  There are two reasons why Hassan is remembered so fondly: first of all, he was a "freedom fighter".  When fighting a colonial power, people are quicker to forgive atrocities as long as they are committed in the name of freedom.  Secondly, being a poet as well as a jihadist, he is very quotable.  His statements and proclamations have provided lots of inspiration and speech writing material for Osama bin Laden and countless other prospective jihadists.

            There are probably a whole mess of lessons to be drawn from this tale, but one stands out the most.  If your political career ever ends up with you hiding in a cave: the end is near, be it Navy SEALS, angry Libyans, or the flu.

Horse Blood, Opium, and Murder

Horse Blood, Opium, and Murder: The Life of Richard Meinertzhagen

            The two marks of a great military leader are a brilliant mind and idiotic opponents.  Colonel Richard Meinertzhagen had both.  During World War I, his clever and deceptive tactics proved vital in assuring the British victory in Palestine.  Like most successful military leaders he had a nasty side, but his brilliant deceptions won the day in Palestine, and later influenced the counterintelligence tactics of WWII.

            Growing up in England he was a good friend of Herbert Spencer, the man who coined the term "survival of the fittest".      After a brief stint in business, he joined the British Army and slaughtered some Africans (though he apparently regretted it later).  Also, while in India, he murdered one of his assistants in a fit of rage and got the police to cover it up.  Oh, and did we mention that his wife "accidently shot herself in the head" while the two of them were alone?  As Colonel T.E. Lawrence put it:

"Meinertzhagen knew no half measures. He was logical, an idealist of the deepest, and so possessed by his convictions that he was willing to harness evil to the chariot of good. He was a strategist, a geographer, and a silent laughing masterful man; who took as blithe a pleasure in deceiving his enemy (or his friend) by some unscrupulous jest, as in spattering the brains of a cornered mob of Germans one by one with his African knob-kerri."

- Seven Pillars of Wisdom

            If you creep out T.E. Lawrence you know that you are in trouble.  Anyways, wife-murder aside, lest get on to the reason that most people actually love this guy.

  A nasty man with nasty plans.

            As has already been mentioned, World War I is portrayed as being one of the most boring events in history.  Admittedly, the Western Front was.  However, there is a reason that it is called World War I, and the various sideshows are certainly worth examining.  When the Ottoman Empire joined the war, they ruled an empire that included Palestine.  The British immediately attacked out of Egypt because… well… war and stuff.  The campaign stagnated near Gaza and things quickly descended into trench warfare.  To remedy this, the British tried several unconventional tactics.  First off, they sent Colonel T.E. Lawrence to organize the Arabs into a guerrilla force that would harass the Turkish supply lines.  As for breaking the trenches themselves, they went to Meinertzhagen.

A Turkish howitzer.

            First off, he found out that the Turks were low on cigarettes.  He promptly bought tens of thousands of packs of cigarettes on the black market, wrapped them in propaganda, and dropped them on the Turkish troops.  The Turks dismissively smoked the cigarettes and used the pamphlets as toilet paper.  Unfazed, Meinertzhagen then pulled off one of the most brilliant deceptions of his career.  He took a bag and filled it with plans for an assault on the city of Gaza.  He then filled the bag with cash, a fake letter from a fake officer's wife, and a real code cipher.  He then smeared the bag in horse blood and rode off into the no man's land.  As soon as the Turks opened fire on him, he rode back towards the British lines, dropping the bag as he went.  To cap it off, he then started broadcasting fake orders over the radio that the Turks translated with their new cipher.

            All of this served to keep the main Turkish force tied up in Gaza, leaving the city of Beersheba on their eastern flank lightly defended.  Unfortunately this still meant trenches and machine guns capable of chopping up most assaults.  To remedy this, Meinertzhagen bought a hundred and twenty thousand more black market cigarettes.  These he dropped on the Ottoman lines as well and the Turks again proceeded to smoke them and laugh about how stupid the British were.  This time, however, the cigarettes were laced with Opium and by the time the British attacked most of the defenders were asleep.  The result was the last successful cavalry charge in history as the British smashed through the sleeping defenders and broke the stalemate.

The British charge at Beersheba.

            Later in life, Meinertzhagen became friends with General von Lettow-Vorbeck and spoke with Hitler on several occasions.  A few months before the outbreak of WWII, Meinertzhagen entered the Reichstag to talk with Hitler.  Hitler, being an idiot, didn't have Meinertzhagen searched for firearms and it just so happened that he had a loaded pistol in his pocket.  Obviously he didn't shoot, but historians can still debate what would have happened had he done so.

Military genius and serial killer.

            Evidence later emerged that he had falsified and made up many of his diary entries.  As such, this calls his Hitler anecdote into question.  Consider, however, that Meinertzhagen's talent was deception, and if he fooled historians for decades that at the very least deserves some credit.  During WWII, the British drew inspiration from many of his schemes.  Most notably, they found a dead homeless guy, dressed him up as a colonel, gave him a briefcase full of fake battle plans and dumped him off the coast of Spain.  One cannot deny that Meinertzhagen had the unfortunate tendency of murdering people.  The only thing that can be said in his defense is that his deceptions probably saved more people than he killed.  That and historians love to read about him.

President of Lower California

President of the Lower California: The life of William Walker

            In his early years, William Walker led an unfocused life.  Graduating summa cum laude from the University of Nashville at fourteen, he traveled to Europe to study medicine.  This didn't last long as he quickly returned to the United States to study law.  Getting bored, he became a journalist and fought three duels over the course of four years.  Finally, at the age of 29, he realized that there was really only one thing that he truly wanted: to become a Central American dictator.

William Walker

            Gathering 45 like-minded individuals, he set out to conquer Baja California.  Fortunately for him, Baja was only lightly defended and fell almost without a fight.  Walker was now the 1^st President of the Republic of Lower California.  All was going well, except for one minor detail: Mexico had an army and they didn't like having him there.  The Republic of Lower California lasted a grand total of three months before Walker and his band were forced to flee back into California.  While his expedition was technically illegal, people back in the US loved reading about it so much that the jury acquitted him in eight minutes.

            In the competition for histories' most idiotic Central American leader, it is a close call between Santa Anna and Francisco Castellon.  Santa Anna thought that it would be a good idea to invite Americans to settle in Texas to form a buffer against their home country.  While the stupidity of this is truly impressive, I personally think that Castellon deserves the prize.  When a civil war broke out in Nicaragua, Castellon hired Walker to fight for him, knowing about Walker's unfortunate desire to conquer Central American countries.  Naturally, Walker seized control of the government.

Walker's Troops Resting

            Before the Panama Canal was built, a vast amount of goods passed overland through Nicaragua, a route that was solely owned by Cornelius Vanderbilt's Accessory Transit Company.  Several other businessmen bribed Walker to seize all of the company's property and give it to them.  While in the short term this provided Walker with much needed funds, in the long term it angered America by violating their don't-f@%&k-with-our-property policy.

            This meant that when Walker tried to invade several of his neighbors he was on his own.  After a string of defeats by the combined armies of Central America, Walker surrendered to the US Navy.  He was promptly taken home to again be greeted with a hero's welcome.  With his usual plethora of confidence, Walker began preparing for an invasion of Honduras.  Unfortunately for him, he was captured by the British Navy which was less than impressed by his actions.  They promptly turned him over to the Honduran government which were even less impressed.  He was executed by firing squad on September 12, 1860.

The Death of William Walker

            It is certainly true that Walker was not a very nice man.  He consistently supported slavery in the nations he conquered and, well, spent half his life attacking sovereign countries.  Despite this, one must still give at least a grudging respect to his boundless optimism and willingness to keep on trying to conquer Central America.